i thought i had become immune to the one thing that used to wreck me the most, but apparently not. the first time i saw it feels like an eternity ago, but it’s only been two months. i don’t remember a couple months passing by this quickly, but it did.

i thought i was fine, the sound of the piano just like any other songs i listen to on a daily basis. my heart no longer clenches whenever the first notes starts. i was able to enjoy the song without letting a tear out, but even that doesn’t last very long.

i made a mistake of watching it again two months after its initial release. at first ny gaze was just fond, watching you do your usual dorky thing together with your hyungs. but half way through the video, the tears started coming.

it continued on until the end of the video, where i was left wondering why the hell am i still very affected by this. this whole video, song, person, thing. even your high note still makes me cry like the first time i heard it a year ago.

honestly, i just want to let this go. it’s pathetic to cry over something so petty every time i watch or listen to it. i don’t even know what i’m crying over so it makes this more confusing and frustrating at the same time because not knowing the cause means that—

—i can’t stop whatever this is from happening because i don’t know /what/ to stop. maybe i just have to stop listening to the song altogether, but i can’t bring myself to do it. it will feel like a part of my life has been taken away, which sounds cheesy and gross—

—but feelings in general are cheesy, i suppose. i don’t know how many more times i’m gonna write about this because i’ve written before to finalize this and never think about it again, but look where i am now. you might say to yourself you’re going to let go of something,

but the actual process of letting go is hard. in this case it’s hard because i don’t even know what i’m letting go, ha. i should just end this becsuse this is a word vomit disguised as a writing and this kinda makes me hate myself for the lack of eloquency in it.

i’m listening to the song as i type, and when i wrote this part the lyrics says “take my hands now..” and all i can think about is i took his hands and never once let go since all those years ago when he first sang those words. again, really cheesy..

i never said the title but the picture and everything i wrote for sure gave it away, so.. this ends here, i guess.

——— saturday, august 10th 2019. 01.31 am.