i wish i could‘ve made you stay and i‘m the only one to blame | yeonb1n au inspired by everything i didn‘t say by 5s0s
“i’m sorry, i can’t make it today either.” this is the third time this week that sbn has to cancel his date with ynjvn. “oh, okay.”, “don’t wait up for me.”
sbn has been way too busy recently, landing a new job in a big firm. he went to work early and left late. more than once, he came home to his boyfriend already in bed, fast asleep. and on the nights ynjvn waited up, sbn was too tired and went straight to bed.
of course sbn could see the sad expression on ynjvn’s face, how the sparkle in his and the hopeful smile faded into a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. how he always pretended he was okay bcs obviously he supported sbn but sbn could tell ynjvn was forcing himself.
just like today. after canceling their other two dates, ynjvn had made sure to make sbn promise he’ll be on time today, so sbn promised. he promised a lot of things recently that he couldn’t keep. and when he came home that day, the lights in their shared apartment were off.
sbn tried to be quiet, knowing ynjvn would be asleep but he bumped against their dining table and he heard the sound of plates clash. not even two seconds the lights turned on and ynjvn stood in the door to the bedroom. looking at the table, sbn noticed that it was set.
“you cooked?” sbn turned to look at his boyfriend who in turn frowned. “of course i did.” judging by his tone, ynjvn was angry. “why did you cook?” for a second, ynjvn just stared and then his face turned sad, his eyes filling with tears. “you forgot?” sbn was confused. “what?”
“it’s our anniversary.” fuck. sbn really forgot. it must‘ve shown on his face bcs ynjvn laughed like he couldn‘t believe it. “you really … i thought there waa no way you’d forget no matter how busy, but honestly i’m not surprised.” the first tear found its way down ynjvn’s face.
honestly there were a million things sbn should say but the words wouldn’t go past his lips.he should tell ynjvn that it won’t happen again, that he’ll be better, that ynjvn won’t have to fall asleep alone again but truth was,he couldn’t. so instead, he wrapped ynjvn in his arms.
he kissed ynjvn’s hair and gently stroked over his back. “i’m sorry.” sbn could feel ynjvn shake his head before pulling away. “you always are.” for a second, it looked like he wanted to say smth else but then ynjvn just walked back into the bedroom, leaving sbn behind.
as predicted, sbn kept on breaking promises. it came to the point where he stopped thinking about his boyfriend altogether. ynjvn had long stopped asking for dates and if sbn hadn’t been so focused on himself, he would’ve noticed that ynjvn wasn’t really really listening to him.
he would’ve noticed that ynjvn didn’t smile at him like he used to, that he wasn’t putting the same feelings in his kisses anymore, that instead of cuddling him in his sleep, ynjvn slept with his back turned towards sbn. maybe sbn would’ve noticed him slipping away.
and then one evening, when sbn came home earlier, ynjvn tried to talk to him. “sbn, this important. look, i’ve been thinking-“ but sbn interrupted him. “can’t that wait? i’m only here to change clothes, my boss invited everyone for dinner.” ynjvn grabbed him by the arm.
“no, it can’t wait. you’re always making me wait, i’m sick of this.” sbn was confused. “what so you mean?” ynjvn’s grip on sbn’s arm tightened. “when did you last make time for me, sbn? you’re always putting work first and honestly, i can’t do this anymore.”
sbn frowned. “what do you mean? you know that job is important to me.” “is it more important than me?” sbn hesitated and ynjvn let go of his arm. “right. go to your stupid dinner, i’ll be gone afterwards.”
and sbn didn’t believe him bcs how ridiculous. sbn wasn’t aware he did anything wrong and he was mad at ynjvn for insinuating. but when he came home that night, slightly drunk, the apartment was empty. sbn carefully called out for ynjvn but no response came.
stumbling over his feet, sbn walked to the bedroom, only to find the drawers of their dresser half empty, ynjvn’s clothes missing. frantically, sbn pulled out his phone, trying to call the other but his call didn’t make it through. had ynjvn really left? just like that?
as sbn sat down on his bed, it hit him. ynjvn had told him he would leave. sbn had laughed at him. he hadn’t believed the other would actually leave, but ynjvn hadn’t even really gotten mad. sbn remembered the fights they got into back in the days, where ynjvn would scream, cry
but today he’d done none of that. sbn realized that ynjvn had decided to leave way before today. when? sbn tried to remember but he couldn’t. he had barely paid attention to ynjvn the past few months. he suddenly felt sick. how could he…? ynjvn would’ve had every right to scream
at him. but ynjvn probably didn’t think it would do anything and sbn had to admit that that was probably true. again, sbn tried to call but it went straight to voicemail. ynjvn normally always picked up his calls. sbn on the hand had declined his often.
the next morning when sbn woke up alone and with a headache, it finally hit him. ynjvn was gone and he wouldn’t come back. and he had no one to blame but himself. sbn couldn’t imagine how the other must’ve felt when sbn chose work over him multiple times.
picked it over their anniversary even. sbn felt his cheeks become wet before he could realize he was crying. he had no right to feel sorry for himself but his chest ached. once again, he reached for his phone to ynjvn. this time when it went to voicemail, he left a message.
“it’s me. i don’t know where to start, so i’ll just say it. you deserve someone way better than me, someone who can appreciate you and love you just the way you deserve it. i’m sorry that i couldn’t be that person, i’m sorry i wasn’t there, i’m sorry i made you feel like you
weren’t important when you’re the most important part of my life. i wish i could promise you that if i could do it again, it’d be different, but … i never deserved you even if i loved you. i still do love you. always. i just want you to know that.”