you were crying at the airport, when they finally closed the plane door, i could barely hold it all inside || ye0nb1n au based on wherever you are by 5s0s (ela part 4)
cw // non-explicit smut (it‘s mentioned very briefly)
(i suggest listening to the song while reading)
it had been dumb to think they would‘ve been able to stay together despite their drastically different lifestyles. of course sbn couldn’t just drop everything to come with jvn and he felt stupid for even suggesting it. even if sbn hadn‘t straight up rejected the idea, jvn had
seen it in his face. he had tried to laugh it off, attempting to ease the awkwardness so he wouldn’t start crying. he almost lost it when sbn walked over to him, taking jvn‘s face into his hands and kissed him. “let’s enjoy the time we have now, okay? we can talk about it later.”
but they never talked about it, jvn didn’t ask again and sbn didn’t bring it up. neither of them spoke of it, but jvn was sure that they were both aware that their relationship had an expiration date. the day jvn would go back home, they’d be done.
but they pretended that they didn’t have to end it and jvn pretended that his heart wasn’t aching when he looked at sbn’s sleeping face, trying to take everything in while he still could. pretended that he didn’t feel disappointed that sbn didn’t want to come with him.
it might have been foolish after all for him to believe he was special to sbn. he couldn‘t shake the feeling that he had deluded himself into thinking sbn actually cared for him. no one else ever did, so why would sbn? but the way sbn held jvn when they made love,
the way he looked at him, eyes crinkled and dimples showing as he smiled, the gentleness in his kisses … could that all really just have been in jvn‘s head? jvn didn’t want to doubt sbn, but the ugly voice in the back of his mind kept telling him that sbn had just been playing
with him because he’d been an easy fuck. it was easy not to listen to the voice during the day, when sbn was there to keep him busy. but at night, when sbn was sleeping, this feeling of being alone and unloved crept up on him. the feeling of never being the one getting chosen.
the tears first came on that very night after jvn had asked sbn to come with him. he had hidden in the bathroom to cry for the second time that day, but this time not because of happiness. it was funny to him how fast his emotions changed. he had felt so loved before, but now …
jvn knew he had exactly two choices. talk to sbn about it and risk having his fear confirmed, or say nothing and indulge in whatever they had, to keep on pretending that whatever they had was real. he chose the second option. a couple more days of happiness, even if it was fake.
the tears came a second time on their last night together. jvn sat in sbn‘s lap, naked and wrapped up tight into sbn‘s arms as they rocked their hips. they were kissing and it was soft, it was gentle and full of unspoken words. sbn‘s fingertips pressed into jvn‘s skin and jvn
wanted nothing more than believe that it was real. sbn was first to break away from the kiss, but his grip on jvn never loosened. he pressed their foreheads together and jvn had to close his eyes. even like this he felt the tears forming, unable to stop them from staining his
cheeks. when he tightened his legs around sbn‘s waist, he moved to hide his face against the crook of sbn‘s neck, sobbing quietly against his skin. jvn allowed sbn to hold him, allowed him to use him until he finished himself. he almost thought he could feel wetness dripping down
his own neck, but then sbn‘s fingertips wiped it away. it must‘ve been sweat. jvn let sbn hold him, let him help with cleaning and finally, let him wrap him into hug when they’re back in bed ready to fall asleep. he let sbn stroke over his hair and allowed himself to curl up
against sbn’s chest. one last time. one last time jvn will pretend that this won’t end, that tomorrow he won’t have to tell sbn that he won’t come back. that was what he decided. he’d be across the country and even if sbn didn’t decide to tell him to get lost,
jvn didn’t want to sit at home, asking himself if sbn found someone else. it was easier to put a clear end to it. maybe it wasn’t easy at that moment, but it would be easier for the future. they weren’t meant to last anyways. nothing lasts forever.
and when the next morning came, jvn got ready, took his stuff and let sbn drive him to the airport. but before they left the car, jvn held sbn back, telling him about what he decided. jvn could tell that sbn didn’t really understand, could tell by the way he furrowed his brows,
by the way the corners of his mouth pulled down. jvn had been so close to taking it all back, but he couldn’t. he shouldn’t. “it’s better this way, isn’t it? it would be unfair to the both of us … to have expectations.” jvn didn’t even remember what else he said,
but it didn’t matter. when he was done speaking, sbn remained silent. jvn braced himself for anything. sbn telling him he was an idiot, that of couse sbn would wait for him, anything. but nothing ever came. sbn simply nodded. “i agree.” jvn felt the tears well up yet again.
he’d been right then. sbn didn’t really care about him all that much. so he said goodbye and left the car without looking back. had jvn looked at sbn just one last time, he would’ve seen how sbn’s hands gripped the steering wheel tightly until his knuckles turned white.
he would’ve seen sbn’s face scrunch up into a pained grimace, would’ve seen how even though sbn tried to hold back,tears started running down his cheeks.he would’ve seen that sbn did care. that he cared so much. but instead, jvn boarded the plane and barely held himself together.
back home, jvn buried himself in work. he wrote multiple songs, all sad, all about broken hearts and longing for someone you can’t have. jvn knew he wouldn’t get over sbn. even if what they had was brief, maybe not even really real, it was everything jvn could’ve ever dreamt of.
it had been everything jvn never thought he’d experience. and no matter who else he met, who else he’d fuck, nothing would compare to what he had with sbn. jvn couldn’t count the times he almost called sbn, how many times he stared at his phone, sbn’s contact pulled up,
finger hovering over the call button. but it wouldn’t be fair. he couldn’t just break off things and then tell him everything he wrote his new songs about. he shouldn’t tell sbn that he couldn’t stop thinking about him, that he couldn’t stop feeling this way, that it would always
be sbn. he could be anywhere in the world, he’d still want sbn. and wherever sbn was, jvn would still wonder about him. and when weeks passed, jvn couldn’t help but wonder if sbn had moved on and he didn’t want to know but what if?
even if sbn moved on, jvn knew that he wouldn't. he didn't even try. it would always be sbn. pathetic, really. but then again, who if not jvn would fall for someone he couldn't have? sbn didn't try to contact him either. if anything, it proved that jvn had been delusional.
sbn had turned his life upside down. in the best and in the worst way. he'd never been inspired to write lyrics as much as he's been since returning, but at the same time, his friends would agree that jvn had lost his spark. they all encouraged him to try and call sbn, but when
jvn kept declining they stopped. they hoped that maybe time would heal him.
it was one of this nights again. where jvn sat on his bed, staring at his phone. but this time, his finger wasn't hovering over the call button, but over a picture of sbn of him.
sbn had taken this picture of them, on one of those morning when they had both refused to get out of bed. jvn's heart ached when he looked at it. sbn looked so happy here. he swiped over to the next picture and gasped. it was another picture of them,but jvn hadn't seen it before.
jvn was looking straight into the camera but sbn was looking at him. there was so much softness in his gaze, so much love that jvn once again felt like crying. he had cried a lot recently. the tears almost came naturally to him at this point. but before he could lose himself to
them, a series of forceful knocks pulled him out of his thoughts. he rubbed over his eyes, sighing quietly in annoyance when the knocks became louder. "I'm coming, hold on." probably his landlord to complain about something.
"what is-" jvn froze. in front of him stood sbn. his hair was disheveled, cheeks red and it was obvious he was out of breath. "i- ..." it seemed as if sbn was struggling with his words, but jvn didn't try saying something himself. he was stunned, unable to move. sbn was here.
"i'm here." it was all sbn managed to say, but it was enough. it was all jvn needed to hear.