#taekookau “excuse me, may i sit here to recuperate from falling for you?” taehyung pales “is this a bet you made with your jock friends over there, kid?” “i'm 18 not a kid, also not a jock, just jungkook” taehyung felt lonely all his life, but a train ride changes everything

finance analyst taehyung x fashion student jungkook age gap tags: jungkook is a brat, taehyung is bad at feelings, nsfw, flirting, pining, jealousy, insecurities, angst, hurt/comfort it's a drabble of two parts, posting now the first part and tomorrow i'll finish it

sometimes taehyung thinks the universe reserved a person for everyone except him. souls matched among each other, then when it reached taehyung’s turn, the universe did a double take and noticed there’s no one truly matching taehyung.

because sometimes he is too much and sometimes he is not enough. he is unlovable like that. it’s 2 am, a cigarette laying between his fingers, slow drags blown in circles in the caramelised air. taehyung lit the aromatised candles, hidden in the shadows of his dark room.

the window is cracked open, illuminating half of the neighbourhood. brown roofs hosting stable matches of people with large pines hanging over. he feels saudade, nostalgia for something taehyung never had. he’s 25 and he has never experienced the beauty and atrocity of love.

it was in high-school when taehyung decided he’s not going to follow the path of his fellow classmates and the toxic teenage butterflies. relationships seemed like a waste of time and resources he could instead invest in his bright future.

it was in his first year of college that taehyung felt loneliness. resting on the tip of the iceberg didn’t make him happy and secure anymore. he was successful in his degree and notched the academic part.

but despite knowing how to stand on his feet in the secure spot in the iceberg, taehyung sinked down till the pits of the ice under the water. and since then he started drowning. taehyung is 25 now and he has success, a mystery around him and loneliness.

all his life he believed love couldn't define his happiness. now he is conscious that maybe love is not for him not because he doesn’t choose anyone but because no one chooses him. matchless. unlovable

love doesn’t determine his self-worth, but without love in his life, it feels like something is missing, tiny but significant. because no matter the stubborn eccentric theories, everything comes down to love, both in life and death. taehyung is 23, with a degree in economics.

and he is lonely, a feeling so deep buried and glued to his chest that he doesn’t remember a time when it wasn’t there. there’s a ‘singing in the rain’ by doris day playing as the vinyl rotates in circles, taehyung’s eyes focused on the motion.

he puffs the last smoke and lets the rush of the wind keep the window open. there are canvases splattered on the floor, paint thrown on it. his parents are in another city, they rarely meet and taehyung wants to lie and fake the immersive feeling of missing his family.

but he always felt either too much or close to nothing. it is said that everyone is their main character in their own life. strangely, taehyung feels like a prop character, not even a side one. just someone you see on the sidelines of a train station while your train passes by.

and you never meet that person again, even if you wonder what their life story is. it’s so dumb, empty, meaningless at the same time. taehyung wonders how other people find happiness and what happiness is to him.

next morning, taehyung is wearing his white classic pants with a shirt hanging loosely over them, a black headband securing his curls, headphones in, peace crawling inside his chest. usually he prefers to drive his car and avoid any social interaction.

but today is one of those days he is drowning slowly in his mind, excruciatingly, suffocating, taehyung is waiting for his train at the station. the people around him make him feel grounded, as if his feet are not floating in the air detached from the ground.

the company he works at is immensely successful and taehyung thinks that he was lucky. he didn’t apply to any organisation after college, thinking of going abroad in a vacation, solo travelling that perhaps would help him find his purpose in life.

but then he went over linkedin and got his invitation for an interview at a company he heard briefly from his finance lectures. they proposed a contract draft after the interview and everything was set. to sum it up, taehyung never put effort into securing himself a job.

but now he is a financial analyst at a high class company. taehyung always struggled to find his person and be less alone. unfortunately, taehyung is single and perhaps the lesson is to not pursue what he wants and maybe the universe will hand it to him.

only he has been waiting for way too long to know that his person may not even exist. at work, he buries himself in performance reports, excel sheets and loads of data, ignoring sheepish looks from his coworker, a ginger girl who has made some advances to him.

you'd think, taehyung would marvel at the opportunity to finally not be single. but his therapist said ‘having just any girlfriend, no matter who or how she is, is not going to make you happy or change you’.

the words hurt even worse because taehyung is afraid he’ll never find someone that makes him happy. even if society preaches the idea of making yourself happy, working on yourself, self-development, self-confidence, self actualization. taehyung has done it all. it doesn’t work.

sadly, he realised too late people need other people to be happy. he needs someone to make the self development worth it. because he is okay, but sometimes it gets too much, he wants to come home to a pair of warm arms that will ground him. instead he smokes a cigarette.

to sum it up, taehyung has a nice work day, finishes most of his tasks, rejects his boss’s invitation to a charity fancy event, ignores his coworker’s long stare and follows the same routine to the train station.

point is, everything in taehyung’s life has followed a pattern of train rides of basic events and empty feelings, until today. the train is arriving late and when taehyung steps inside, it’s without knowing how this train ride will change absolutely everything in his life.

the train is less crowded today, taehyung manges to secure himself a spot in an area inhabited only by an old couple and a group of jokes on his right side. usually he lets the music travel through his ears and bring his thoughts to a halt as his mind shuts down

but today it’s too loud inside, outside too. the young boys over his side are cracking jokes loudly and marvelling at something, it’s impossible not to be irritated by how easy some people find to smile without their chest constricting in pain.

it’s taehyung’s bitter side wishing to have friends he could be so honest and open with. in a pathetic attempt to shut down his thoughts, taehyung roams his eyes over the people in his train compartiment. the old couple are holding hands, eyes lost on the buildings passing by.

as if despite them being thoughts away, their hands and hearts are still interlocked through the gentle touch. taehyung wishes he had someone when he’s old that would make it bearable. what a wonder to age not just in years but also in love.

age with someone that still hold the same feelings towards you no matter the time passed. with a delicate hidden smile, taehyung's eyes move to the group of guys sitting near the door. they must be college juniors, judging by the excitement on their faces as they discuss college.

they also must be arts majors, considering their extra clothing, bright, grudge, artsy. taehyung’s eyes linger longer on the guy in the middle sporting an undercut and an eyebrow piercing. his youthful grace is accentuated by a toned gentle face with big captivating eyes.

there’s an overwhelming desire to not move his eyes from the guy, as if the mere idea of missing him from his radar will be his biggest regret. but then the guy stops laughing at his friends’ jokes and catches onto taehyung’s stare. taehyung’s heart stops.

and then in a somersault, it starts thundering inside, fast, crazy. their eyes meet and the jolt of spark is there. taehyung has never felt more alive or in sync with his emotions. he feels either too much or nothing.

and because now he feels too much, taehyung quickly averts his eyes and lets his head fall on the leather seat, closing his eyes to steady his heart. it’s a minute later that he doesn’t hear the group of guys talk anymore. a strawberry flavoured breath lands on his cheek.

“excuse me, may i sit here to recuperate from falling for you?” taehyung pales as his eyes open and find two dark orbits staring at him sheepishly “is this a bet you made with your jock friends over there, kid?” “i'm 18, so not a kid anymore, also not a jock, just jungkook”

the stranger has his hand adorned by tattoos and rings as it hangs in the air. taehyung stares at it for a drop of a second and then moves his stare to the window. the guy, jungkook takes it as an affirmative response, because he sits in the other seat.

taehyung tries to ignore the crop top adorning the younger’s chest and the way jungkook tugs at the collar with his hand to reveal pearly collarbones. taehyung hears a croaked mutter from his side. “i was wondering if you’re an artist…”

taehyung melts at the honey dipped voice. but then quietly registers the accuracy because taehyung indeed draws and paints in his free time. “yes” he grumbles quietly, eyes still avoiding the sight of the stranger. “because you are so good at drawing me in”

taehyung’s breath stops in his lungs, chest invaded by a hot, dangerous fire. he wants to stand up and get away from the boy, but then he hears a giggle. taehyung turns to jungkook and wonders why does this boy feel like saudade.

“i might be wrong, but if you’re trying to flirt with me, knock it up, kid” the kid in question stomps his feet dressed in a pair of high heel boots. taehyung struggles to not find the movement extremely endearing.

“i am not a kid and i definitely was flirting with you. let’s exchange our instagram handles” taehyung gulps. he doesn’t even have instagram. not that he’d give it to the stranger even if he was on any social media platform.

also there’s another tiny but significant issue “i am not into guys, sorry” the words escape his lips like a mantra he learnt and uttered since his younger days. surprisingly, it doesn’t faze the stranger, there’s a only single tiny frown in his eyebrows.

but overall jungkook still holds that spirited ambition in his eyes. taehyung simply concludes, jungkook holds magic in his eyes. that’s why he can’t take his eyes off the younger. the younger who looks rich, sophisticated and bratty.

“you might not be into guys, but i am into you” jungkook’s gentle innocent smile doesn’t rival his words. taehyung has a storm of emotions swirling inside “so, do my wishes not matter here?” “i bet i could make you change your wishes”

there’s a shadow touch on his thigh, fingers trailing up his posterior and taehyung is burning, confused, lost and livid. he grabs the younger’s hand and tries to yank it away when his body hits the back of the chair.

the train halts suddenly and stops while all the passengers surge back from the hit. the lights go off as everyone starts to panic. taehyung can’t observe the commotion around him because there’s a tiny body curled against him, nestled in his chest.

instinctively, taehyung brings his hand to jungkook’s face “are you okay?” the boy fell onto him when the train suddenly stopped. jungkook nods, not bothering to stand up from taehyung’s lap.

“all passengers, please be calm and do not panic. while our train entered the subway, there was a crash, the bridge under which the train chug, crashed, we are stuck here for some hours until the emergency team comes to rescue, please do not panic, everything will be okay and…”

taehyung ignores the rest of the words. when he woke up this morning, it felt like he went out with a lantern to find himself. and then jungkook appeared, a complete stranger who ruled taehyung’s heart in the span of seconds.

“we’re stuck here for some time, what if i try to change your wishes?” jungkook pushes his body into taehyung’s embrace. there’s chaos ensuing around, lights off, panic on. taehyung can only hear jungkook’s heartbeat. jungkook feels more dangerous than the crash of the bridge.

stopping here, second part and the last will come tomorrow, hope you're liking it)) loneliness is such an ugly feeling((

brazed by the loud echo of the panic, taehyung clenches his fists and tries to breathe evenly. he can see the old couple holding onto each other as the darkly lit train is filled by cries and raw sobs. they’re trapped under a crashed bridge.

taehyung steals another glance at the old couple and his jealousy must be hidden behind his hooded eyes. what a comfort would it be to share the worry and panic with someone who would hold you and assure you’re not alone.

jungkook returned to his friends after taehyung briskly helped him stand up from his lap and treated the situation with a mortal silence. taehyung is almost 25, but he’s not brave enough to ask jungkook how he changes people or their wishes.

taehyung is not brave enough to change his own life or allow a stranger to enter it. an hour passes with the crowd mostly calming under the waves of tiredness and sweaty air. taehyung trails his fingers along his naked torso, half of his shirt folded up his chest.

his eyes instinctively circle back to jungkook, trying to mimic a natural observation of the crowd in the train. he doesn’t want jungkook to know taehyung bites at his cheek stopping himself from pining the younger with his gaze.

jungkook is laying on the floor, with an arm draped over his back, he is hidden in the embrace of his red-haired friend. briefly, taehyung remembers the pressure of jungkook’s body against his chest. taehyung is 25 and jungkook is 18, but somehow their hearts beat in sync.

because for a tiny moment jungkook beat the loneliness out of taehyung’s mind. there’s a far away thought trying to knock at his brain. taehyung is not ready to open the door and face reality. because truth is, taehyung is afraid to chang

comforting himself in the concept of a tortuous soul, detached from any possibility of a new path, challenging but hopeful. and the universe doesn’t need to apologise for depriving taehyung of any love or happiness, taehyung owes himself the biggest apology.

he is the one who strip himself of the possibility of a change. afraid that in the end he’ll understand that the problem is not in the surrounding world, or the universe. understand that he is the problem and there is no solution. that he will live his life as a big dull regret.

that the echo of a hole in his chest will not be filled with anything. taehyung once hoped his family will miraculously begin understanding the deep layers of himself. but to the contrary, he must play a fake person every time he visits home.

pretend like divorce isn’t the solution to the fractured chaos his parents are in. taehyung once hoped his friends chose to stay by his side when no one else did because of the deep connection they shared with him and not the thickness of his wallet.

taehyung once hoped his heart will find someone that will mend all the cracks within himself, but his bed is cold every night and he opens the door after work to a brizzy dark house. so, taehyung stopped hoping.

jungkook, a strange kid dressed in fancy glamorous clothes and sporting a delicate elegance about himself, will surely not change that. perhaps, the impact of their meeting hit only taehyung. on jungkook’s side, it has been a mere attempt at flirting with an older person.

to be able to brag or laugh about it with his friends. taehyung puts his headphones on and shuts everything down. there’s a podcast about finance playing and he relaxes himself when a new finance reform is discussed by the host.

not even two minutes in, the host introducing the reform, there is a tap on his chin. taehyung renders the touch delicately, turning his eyes to jungkook. “here i am, what are you two other wishes?” there is a childish innocence attached to jungkook

less because of his age and more due to the nature of his bratiness. “i thought we established you do not care about my wishes” taehyung entertains the younger. he presses the stop button on his phone and basks in jungkook’s attention.

it won’t be so detrimental if he’ll allow himself to change only during the train ride. after all, how much can a train ride change his life? “let’s play a game” jungkook prompts, holding light in his eyes.

if taehyung was braver, he’d tell jungkook that even if it’s dark in the dark, he seems to shine and glow and illuminate the entire train with the mere sparkle in his eyes. instead he nods, partly because he can detect the stubborn trait of the younger

knowing jungkook will not let him be. (partly because he craves to absorb anything that jungkook can give him). “the game is simple. we’ll measure how well i can change your wishes” “how?” “like this” taehyung senses the cold press against his chest.

jungkook’s hand crawls slowly between the creeps of his open shirt “what are you doing?” taehyung grabs the younger’s hand, but doesn’t move it, wanting to bask in the touch a bit more. “don’t stress it, i’m not touching you, not yet.”

jungkook's hand travels to his chest, lands on taehyung’s heart. “i will check your heartbeat. if it will get erratic, beat like crazy, then it means, you want me after all” “you know me for 5 minutes, do you think you’re that powerful to change my heart?”

jungkook presses his hand harder against his chest “i love a good challenge” oh, taehyung gets it. he is but a mere good challenge to the younger. well, taehyung would entertain jungkook. after all, the younger is nothing but an escape to from his mind and loneliness.

“i like you more than I should, a broody stranger treating the train as if another vehicle of passing time" jungkook whispers against his breath, millimetres away from touching, feeling under the palm the slow but heavy heart pulse.

it's as if taehyung's heart breaths in and out in slow motions under the intense stare and seductive words. it's a game taehyung is sure he'll lose. and they're two strangers who shouldn't affect each other to this extent.

but unfortunately, jungkook is the person for whom taehyung feels too much, against a sea of people for whom he doesn't feel anything. "to how many people have you said the same things?" not that it matters or that jungkook will answer honestly, but taehyung still asks.

the question slips bitterly past his lips, there's nothing he can do to stop it. he knows he’s acting like a child, or a fool in love. jungkook seems amused as his hand unintentionally (or not) tingles against taehyung's chest, still glued to his heart under the shirt.

"there were 3 or 4 people before you" jungkook replies and doesn't notice the way taehyung's heart drops and clenches inwards. or maybe jungkook does notice the pressure under his hand, because the grin slips off

"i felt attracted to many people but not to the extent of approaching them so openly, because the fear of a catastrophic regret is too much." "regret?" "what if i don't meet you again?" the honesty tugs at his heartstrings, it's as simple as that.

jungkook moves his heart and makes him emotional, makes him a human again. fear cripples inside. he had walked on the safe side of life for far too long to diverge from the path and take a leap in the unknown.

"should we start with small talk or do we dive into the deep stuff?" jungkook asks, not a clue of tension, awkwardness or stress slipping through his voice. "doesn't the age difference between us scare you" taehyung pierces the boy with his gaze, "am I not intimidating to you?"

because taehyung wonders how jungkook, young, naive and rebellious, doesn't waver in front of his broody persona. the younger smiles at him genuinely "there's some people you just meet and vibe with, instant connection and all that jazz"

taehyung understands it, there are people meant to meet and make you feel how living is floating and not crawling. perhaps, jungkook is that person for him. "let's go into the deep stuff" taehyung decides and is rewarded with the boy's gleaming smile.

"what makes you wake up in the morning?" the question makes him mind halt. taehyung's breathing stumbles too, he almost retrieves jungkook's hand away from his heart and the boy from his life. but jungkook is insistent.

he grips at taehyung's chest harder under the sweaty material of the shirt. and taehyung is 25 already. he should be an adult with his life put together, shelves neatly arranged. but taehyung is also dressed in chaos and discrepancies. he grips jungkook's hand under the shirt.

skin on skin, eyes on each other. and then he takes the boy's hand out of his shirt. he decides to risk being vulnerable for once in his life. "sometimes i think I was born to be alone" he retells everything. he uncovers his chest, takes out his heart.

and reveals its inner thoughts to jungkook. jungkook who is only 18, adorned with too much accessories, rich and bratty. when taehyung looks up at the younger, he doesn't know what to expect.

in movies, characters would leap forward and hug, in books, there's loads of metaphors and words of encouragement. in reality, jungkook slaps his chest, eyebrows furrowed together in a scolding manner.

"you're looking for the answers in the wrong place, it's so simple, you're so simple. taehyung, you love it simple, this is your happiness, you should enjoy, not question it" and taehyung doesn't know if to be offended at the lack of hugs, metaphors or supportive words.

but then the words register in his mind, and it's like a light bulb is turned on in his mind. he, who always complicates everything to fit the society's standards. it's not that easy, but at the same time it's so easy to realise where he went wrong.

he realises also that he prefers reality much more to movies and books, and jungkook. he likes the boy. "how are you so smart for a 18 years old?" jungkook laughs, face crumbling in sheer excitement "I'm 19 in a week. parents organised all this big event at central hall..."

taehyung cackles at the younger's adorable pouting. they're shadowed in a dark corner in the back of the train and taehyung has ignored everything happening around because the boy had all his attention. for the second time in the same day, taehyung decides to take another risk.

as jungkook keeps complaining about his family's extravagance, taehyung tilts his chin and kisses the boy. in theory their lips meet and taehyung feels soft and melting. in practice, jungkook crumbles in his embrace, face hidden in taehyung’s palms as their lips dance together

sloppy at first then in tandem, softly, melowy. foreheads pressed together, taehyung can feel jungkook’s smile growing. the kiss is humanly, a touch, a breath shared between two, something natural and at the same time full of substance, filling a particle of taehyung’s emptiness

it’s when taehyung is ready to be honest to jungkook and tell him in words about his affections, that the train is shattered by sirens and people invading it. there’s noise, crowd and screams. they came to save them, only taehyung didn’t even need it.

he’s too late to react when jungkook is dragged away by masked people, high security enveloping the boy in a secure circle and escorting him to the exit. taehyung can’t notice anything else, except jungkook getting away from him.

it’s an hour later when taehyung is laying in his bed, at home, fresh after a shower, that he realises he just lost jungkook, the stranger, the person who moved his heart. and he doesn’t have anything except a name and a shadow of jungkook’s imprint on his heart.

3 months later, taehyung is smoking another cigarette, body pressed against the iron bars of the balcony. it’s simple and he’s partly happy. he had an amalgam of realisations, because how much can a train ride change your life? it can, a lot.

he doesn’t need to go to the gym, drink protein, vitamins and low fat food, go regularly on vacations, network, grow a side business, meditate, do yoga or other hundreds of things society defines as steps to absolute happiness. maybe it’s happiness for someone.

taehyung leans into the cold breeze and puffs the last smoke. this is happiness for him, a simple job to keep him secure and not require a lot of responsibility, a cigarette smoking once every two weeks, a half finished painting… and a warm embrace.

taehyung hears light steps approaching and a smile instantly reaches his cheeks. a pair of lips land on his neck, tingling the sensitive skin there. “come to bed, it’s already 1 am” jungkook’s sleepy voice kisses his skin gently, a pair of arms engulfing his waist from behind.

yes, this is happiness. mostly, it’s jungkook. taehyung still remembers three days after the train ride, how he rushed in a tailored suit at the centre hall where he remembered the younger would celebrate his 19th birthday. taehyung still remembers the anxiety.

thinking of jungkook not reciprocating the affections. what if the sparkles from the train ride faded from the younger’s side. taehyung remembers how his heart leaped out of his chest when their eyes met over the ballroom.

how jungkook amidst all the affluent guests ran and jumped in taehyung’s arms. taehyung still dreams about how jungkook said taehyung is his best birthday. or how the younger’s parents thanked him for keeping jungkook safe during the train accident. jungkook was claustrophobic.

now taehyung turns to jungkook, circling the younger’s waist and sliding their lips together. shivering under the wind, he repeats like a karma in his mind whenever he gets scarry “don’t let the concept of change scare you as much as the concept of staying unhappy” (t. hawkeye)

because it’s okay to feel lonely. it’s okay to seek people for happiness. it’s okay to not be able to love yourself alone. to search for support. it’s okay to strive for greater goals. it’s okay to feel fulfilled only laying on the ground.

it’s okay to love black today, and white tomorrow. it’s okay to thread through life with simple wishes and low expectations. it’s okay to be afraid in the face of change. it’s scary. but also sometimes it’s necessary for growing.

it’s okay to be okay without the pain being in the equation. happiness doesn’t necessarily come after great heartbreak, as good things don’t come only after bad things. almost everything is okay if it doesn't harm others and if it makes you just breath.

the end, i'm sorry it was delayed and that the quality doesn't match my others' works, but i hope you still felt comforted by it. many reached out to me and said how they felt like taehyung in this au, all i can say is that you're not alone, even if you feel like it

if you can, reach out to other people, don't be afraid sometimes to be vulnerable, to change, to take the initiative, also do not feel bad if you're not comfortable with all of the above, just walk at your own pace, i myself struggle a lot with loneliness, my dms are always open)

here's my cc if you're shy curiouscat.live/taeterawr