worry gives our small things big shadows
✿ јк x јм
✿ pretty much all fluff with slight mentions of anxiety and dissociation
anyone would tell you that јк is good at pretty much everything but the thing he the does best and most frequently is worry about јм.
Being worried about јм was not a new feeling to јк nor would it be a feeling that ever really went away. This feeling was especially amplified in times like now where both of their lives are so different from that of the last ten years.
If јк was being honest with himself he might worry about јм because it is what he has always done. It never really mattered that јм was older than him because the minute јк laid eyes on his sweet petal he knew that the overwhelming feeling to protect would never really leave.
One thing about јм that most everyone would say is that love lives in јм and it is nurtured sweetly to be given out into every single element of his life. For a soul as kind as јм’s it is hard to see how јк could do anything BUT protect that with every inch of his life.
Hence why јк is sitting on his couch at four in the morning with not a single lamp on, biting away at his fingernails and staring at an unopened message he sent to јм two hours ago: “are you coming home soon?”
јк is by no means someone who will hover over his boyfriend because he knows how important it is for them to have boundaries especially in a relationship like theirs where they have worked together day in and day out for as long as they have.
However he still worries and would still like a message back from јм just so that he knows he is okay.
јк is really not even mad that јм is not answering his message because truth be told there have been many late night gym sessions where јк has left message after message from јм unopened.
Those late night gym sessions with unopened messages also end with јм crawling his warm little body out of bed, slipping on a jacket, some shoes, and hauling a sweaty јк back home because “honestly јк, who wants to work out at five in the morning?”
“јм-ah how do you think I keep this physique?”
That does not result in a giggle from јм which is what јк had hoped for. Instead it results in an eyebrow raise from јм to which јк will concede and tell the truth by explaining that he could not sleep & hoped working out would help
“I wish you would have woke me up”
јк looks down at the older of the two, turns his head, and sweetly mutters “I would have never done that, you were so pretty sleeping, how could I do that to you?”
јм at that reaches a gentle hand up to cup јк’s face and whispers “no amount of sleep is more important than you, please wake me up next time my baby”
јк reminisces over such a memory fondly whilst he stares hard at a dark phone screen that went black a long time ago.
јм so full of love crawled himself out of their bed with what he imagined took no hesitation at such a time in the morning just to find him at the gym and yet here јк sits in conflict over whether he should go to јм.
јк knows exactly where his boyfriend is and knows it would take exactly fifteen minutes to get there as he has plotted out every scenario of his plan at least ten times. Yet here he sits.
Do I give him space to do as he wishes or do I go find him?
јк’s phone lights up with a message. Quickly sweeping his phone off the table he looks down squinting heavily at his bright phone only to see that the message is in fact not from јм but from nj.
“I know it is late, јк but I woke up and could not sleep as I kept thinking of јм. Our little perfectionist was being extremely hard on himself today when I went and sat with him at the studio.
I sat with him until around two in the morning working and then told him we should call it quits and try to get some rest. I hope he got home okay. I guess I am texting to make sure he did, idk I worry a lot.
You know how it is when it comes to јм, him being out of your sight for too long can feel like your own heart is lost wandering around SeouI. Anyways, get back to me when you can.”
јк reads the message maybe twelve times until he accidentally rips a piece of skin off his fingernail from how hard he bit down. јм will never let him hear the end of it if he finds out that he is biting his fingernails again.
Oh, јм. His sweet boy.
јк’s brain has always been good at conjuring up vivid images and the one that is currently taking center stage in his head shows a lonely, tired, and worn down јм sitting alone in a studio singing and singing until he gets it right.
јк can picture his gentle boy resting his head on the studio wall in frustration. He can picture him sitting quietly in his chair just staring at the ceiling.
In the end the mental image of јм doing that very specific thing that he does where he sits almost numbly with his hands in his lap and stares in a dissociative state is what has јк running for his shoes and not stopping for a jacket.
nj was right. When јм is out of your sight for too long it feels like your heart has leaped entirely out of your chest and has been wandering around without you.
јк wants to slam his hand against something hard because his angel never answered his message and he has apparently had a hard enough day that it has kept nj up worrying about it and yet јк could not make the decision he should have made an hour ago to go find his love.
јк in his frenzy of getting in his car and making the 15 minute trip to the cmpany building starts to rationalize and talk himself out of the worst case scenario. He talked to јм at midnight when his boyfriend told him he would be working late at the studio. That much he knows.
He knows that nj was with јм until two and it is now 4:30. Two hours and thirty minutes. That is not long in the grand scheme of things and јм is an adult and can handle himself but there is something itching at the back of јк’s brain that will not let him rest until he sees јм.
Maybe it was the tiredness in јм’s eyes that he saw when he kissed him goodbye this morning. Maybe it was the fact that yesterday јм had an anxiety attack over a hateful comment on Wevrse when he hasn’t read or cared about a comment like that in years.
Maybe it is just the fact that this is what јк does, he worries about јм. He always will.
јк pushes his car into park, slams his car door shut, and hastily makes his way into the compny building.
Employees look at him in slight confusion but dismiss it quickly as idoIs tend to keep odd hours. Taking long strides to the elevator јк works to calm himself down again because if he is a wreck then he will not be of any help to јм if he so needs him.
The elevator gets him to his floor quickly and he makes his way to where he knows his little wandering heart will be.
Sure enough the light in the studio is on. јк sighs and leans his head against the door gently so as to not startle the room's occupant.
He stills for a moment and listens.
It is silent.
јк knocks lightly, slides his hand to the handle, and opens with barely a breath of sound.
If јк was holding his breath he can release it now because there his јм lay unharmed and safely curled up in his office chair. јм has a jacket that јк had left behind slung on top of him and is making soft little breathing noises as he sleeps gently.
јк centers himself by running a hand through his own hair and takes the step towards his sleeping boyfriend.
Quietly јк crouches down in front of јм’s sleeping body and takes a moment to stare. However staring has never been just all he could do and it's because of that fact
that the two of them even stumbled into bed all those years ago in some hotel he can barely remember the name of.
Now is no exception as јк reaches a hand up and brushes hair from јм’s forehead. He works his hand down јм’s rosy face and slides his finger across plush lips
that part themselves as if seeking јк even in sleep. In a daze just watching and running his fingers across јм’s soft skin a small whine startles him back into the present moment. Sleepy eyes flutter and work to fight off sleep.
When јм’s eyes cannot seem to win the fight he takes his small hands and rubs the sleepiness away with a gentle motion. Pretty brown eyes settle on јк and he smiles kindly.
“My јкie, what are you doing here?” whispers out a sweetly tinged voice.
јк rests his forehead against јм’s and whispers against his temple that he was worried when it was late and his message was never opened.
“I am so sorry baby.” јм quickly apologizes, turning ever so slightly so that he could rest his head against јк’s chest.
“No no don’t apologize, I know how busy you are, honestly I am sorry I didn’t come find you sooner,” јк admitted with a swallow. Unsure how to ask if јм was okay јк hums in the silence of the room whilst swaying their bodies ever so slightly as he thought of what he wanted to say
As јк was tired of doubting his intuition when it came to јм, a person he knows inside and out he quickly starts speaking.
“I am afraid you aren’t being the kindest to yourself, and I am afraid you are trying to push yourself to that place you go where no one can reach you.
You are so beautiful in every aspect of your life without even knowing it and I never want you to sit around wondering if you are good enough,” јк rushed out in admittance against the crown of јм’s head. “Because you are good enough.”
јм leaned out of јк’s hold and their eyes locked in that intense way that made јк want to see if he could hold on to that look long enough and see the inner workings of јм’s brain. “I just want this to be perfect.” јм choked out, “But I am so tired.”
јм leaned his head down in a way signaling defeat and it was such rare state from јм that јк was immediately sent into panic. His panic was made evident by the way he hastily grasped јм’s head with his hands and turned their eyes towards one another once more.
јк breathed quickly, “You have worked so hard please let yourself rest, the work will be here later. You have been so good and everyone is so proud of you. јм-ah my good boy please be kind to yourself, if not always at least for what is left of the middle of the night.”
јм needs to hear this, јк knows it. He knew it sitting on the couch ripping at his fingernails, he knew it seeing nj’s message, he knew it when he walked into the the studio and saw a sleeping јм, he always knows and he fckng waited for too long to have this conversation.
He will berate himself for this until he feels he has made it right somehow but for now nothing else matters but јм. In the midst of јк’s words јм’s shoulders drop and it looks as if some significant amount of tension has left his body.
јк tilts јм’s face up, kisses him softly and then gently breathes into his lips, “let’s go home and go to bed little one.”
јм nods and slowly stands up wrapping јк’s jacket he was using as a makeshift blanket around his shoulders.
It looks so big on him and it makes јк want to slam his head against a wall because how is a person so cute. Instead of slamming his head against the nearest hard surface he bends down slightly and tells јм to climb on his back.
јм giggles, “јкie what are you doing?” јк turns and gives a gentle smile before he turns back around to his original position and laughs out, “Get on short stuff, you are tired enough that I am not sure you will make it to the car before falling back asleep.”
јм, ever the little obedient boy that he is, climbs on and rests his face on the back of јк’s neck, “thank you for finding me tonight,” јм whispers out with a small kiss to јк’s neck. “I forget how safe you make hyvng feel, always my protector.”
And at that јк’s chest swells with pride as he walks them out of the studio, down the elevator, past an unsurprised group of employees (if its normal for idoIs to keep odd hours it is even more normal for јк to be carrying јм around) and to his car.
јк was right too, in that short walk to his car јм is again softly sleeping and continues to puff out tiny even breathes as јк sits him in the passenger seat, buckles him in, drives them home, and tucks him into bed where hopefully they will lay well into the next day.
But before јк falls asleep next to his favorite warm little body he will text his nj-hyvng and let him know that their heart is done wandering for the night and is safe in bed.
This is my first fic and I hope you enjoyed it! I wanted to write a soft little fic to start out and hopefully work my way up to more themes and ideas!